Sobering Up: Helena

Rachel Hardwick December 14, 2022

Helena is one of my closest friends, so to include her in this project is very close to my heart. Having been in her life throughout her addiction, and now in her recovery, I’ve seen the highs, lows and now the absolute determination and changes in this incredible woman. I’m so incredibly proud of her, and honoured that she was happy to share her story with me (and you) so candidly.

Helena:

”My current relationship with substances is complex. I am new to recovery - although I’ve tried to quit, or wanted to, many times before. However this time I’ve taken it more seriously and put myself in rehab a few months ago. My problems with addiction are strongly related to my mental health (I am diagnosed with BPD and ADHD), meaning I’m going through a very transitional period in my life. I am constantly analysing my triggers and learning new ways to manage my emotions, learning how to deal with them properly rather than reaching for drugs in order to dissociate, which is what I’d been doing for so many years. I’d numb myself and left everyone else around me to deal with the outcome of my drug, alcohol and BPD fuelled projections. My addiction has often left me frustrated and angry with myself, however I am so grateful for the self awareness and exploration that recovery has brought, and is still bringing, me.

There were many points when I wanted to get sober - you would think that hospitalisations, extreme pain, losing friends, almost getting kicked out of circus school, and ruining my reputation at work would be enough to make me actually change. But what really made the difference was realising I would never have a family of my own if I continued like this, and could never become a therapist (something I am now studying for) to help other people in active addiction, if I was still an addict myself.

I’ve now been in recovery for 4 months, and haven’t touched my drug of choice in 3 months. I chose not to go completely ‘T-total’ - I still allow myself a drink occasionally, although I have to really keep on top of this. I am relatively new to the ‘recovery life’ and am still figuring out my boundaries... so may eventually realise that even the occasional glass of wine isn’t worth it anymore. I just did a month of no booze to prove to myself that I could do it, and now plan to do a ‘one month on/one month off’ pattern with this, using it to keep an eye on my behaviour patterns. I still am a regular weed smoker, but my relationship with this feels much different, as I feel it helps me in many ways and has never been detrimental to my health, work or life in the way that other drugs or alcohol have. I believe in our own personal journeys, only we know what does or does not work for us.”

“I chose this warehouse district for us to shoot in, where I used to live periodically. This was also where a lot of my dealers were based, where I used to train in aerial acrobatics (before nearly being kicked out when I showed up to class high…), and really the main hub of all my drug-fueled escapades. Really though, I’d be doing drugs anywhere and everywhere - trains, pubs, cafes, street corners, and even my family home. While this place holds a lot of bad memories for me, it is also home to a beautiful community of people. My dream, once I’ve qualified as a therapist, is to open a private practice in this area, to help other addicts.

I work a lot in the party/events world, which can be incredibly testing, however non-alcoholic drinks like ‘no-secco’ have been a total lifesaver for me. It’s also important for me to be open and honest about my journey in these situations - I’ve found people can be so helpful and considerate if you're just brutally honest.”

“My advice to anyone who wants help with addiction is to look at therapy options. I’m forever going to shout about therapy - without self work, self reflection, self awareness, self acceptance, self love, self soothing... I don't think I could have done it. Secondly, having a great support system around you is so important: reach out to friends or family, and recognise who actually wants to help, and who might be enabling you. Stop making excuses or justifications - addiction is a dark force, and it wants us to be alone. It will give you every excuse out there: "Oh but it’s a birthday", or "I have to do this to help with social anxiety”, for example. But one day you’ll realise the excuses you used to make, and also see others around you doing it themselves.

Thirdly, find yourself something to aim for or be excited about - like pursuing a career, wanting a family, or learning a new skill. Part of what drove my addiction was the fact that I didn't want a future or to live, until I decided my calling was to become a therapist and help others (there had to be some sort of silver lining to the hand I was given, with all my mental health issues)! Now life's possibilities excite me so much and I feel like I have a reason to live.

Sobriety has been one of the most empowering choices I have ever made, but it's not easy. Every day involves therapy and self work, but in the end it’s so incredibly worth it.”

Sobering Up: Rosy

Rachel Hardwick December 14, 2022

Sobering Up

Firstly, this project needs an introduction to contextualise it. This Autumn I decided to try going sober for 5 weeks - not a difficult feat for some, but having been a social drinker for years, this would be the longest I’d been completely without alcohol since I can remember. I began talking to people about sobriety, researching more into it, and slowly discovered how many people in my social circles were either sober curious like me, or already ‘sober’ (I use this word lightly, because I’ve found it can be quite subjective, and doesn’t have to necessarily imply 100% abstinence). In having these discussions, I decided to embark on a photojournalistic project to tell some of these friends’ stories, photographing them in locations that felt particularly poignant to them in their journey. My first subject is Rosy (@revoltingrosy), who I’ve known for several years through the London events scene.

Rosy: “It's been almost 3 years since I stopped drinking, and a year and a half since I cut out caffeine. Before this, I'd do one or two sober months a year. It's very easy, especially when working in the events industry, for partying to become your lifestyle, so I always liked to periodically check I had a handle on things, and could still do my job, see my friends and operate in society whilst sober. Three years ago, I was having a particularly intense time during one of these 'months off': I had a lot of responsibility at work, I got mugged, and I think most significantly, I found out that my dad was dying. That was such a huge, important thing to try and navigate, and something in me just wanted to try and do it with as clear a head as possible, to be as present with it as I could. So I made a pact with myself to stay sober until he passed away, and once that happened, it felt right to continue because that grief was still such a vast, intangible thing to process. After a while, I kind of came to the conclusion that - for now at least, maybe not forever - I'd lost my taste for alcohol, and so I've stayed off it. It's been sort of a prolonged experiment in sobriety now, that's gone on much longer than originally intended.”

“I chose to meet at Lloyd Park in Walthamstow as it was one of the nearest green spaces to me during the second year of lockdown, and where I spent a lot of time in the earlier stages of my sobriety. It was a period when I was processing a lot - so much had changed in all of our lives, and I was dealing with losing not only my dad, but also one of my best friends who died just under a year later.

While I’d not say my relationship with alcohol has ever been massively detrimental to my life, I'm sure - like many people - I used to drink 'too much', according to guidelines, which obviously can’t have been good for my health. I'd lose days to being hungover, and probably used it as a crutch at gigs and in social situations.

Since going sober, I think I’m kinder to myself. I'm more in touch with how my body, head and heart feel, and more attentive to those things, rather than bulldozing myself through things that didn't feel good, or pushing beyond exhaustion. I used to hit burnout a lot and then carry on. Now, I feel more grounded and steady in myself, I spend less time oscillating between extreme highs and lows, and more time trying to cultivate a feeling of contentment, which maybe isn't as exciting but I think it feels good. I have more trust in myself, in my capacity to hold big, difficult things without needing to pull away or trying to numb them. I'm less wild and loud, I party less, though I've found I can still keep up with my friends if I want to. I probably need more quiet time to recharge on my own, but I love waking up in the morning without a hangover. Though I may sometimes notice my anxiety more in social situations now, I don’t find myself instinctively reaching towards alcohol as a crutch.

Most of the time I don't even tell people at work or parties that I'm not drinking, because it saves having to have a conversation about it over and over again, and most of the time, people don't notice."

“My advice to anyone who might be sober curious or struggling with drugs/alcohol would be this: If the pressure to make big life decisions about sobriety feels too much, treat it like an experiment, just something you're trying for a short amount of time, and then review it and see how you feel and if you want to carry on. Learn to listen to what actually feels good for your body, heart and mind rather than doing things on autopilot or because it's a habit, or everyone else is. Find things that you really enjoy doing sober, and work out which people are easy to be around when you are. Let yourself be changed by it, maybe some parts of you might drop away, but that makes space for other things within you to emerge. Be gentle, kind, patient, and compassionate with yourself, however things are going. It's a funny old world we live in, both a difficult and miraculous one, and whatever terrain you've crossed to get you where you are, all things considered, you're probably doing incredibly well.”

If you are struggling with alcoholism or addiction, don’t be afraid to talk about it. There is no shame in taking the first step towards your recovery.